Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Bears looking to Martin as Chicago Savior

(above) ED MARTIN #73 Leads the Lyons Lions in 1980
 
(above) ED MARTIN Interviewing for Bears Job 2013


With Lovie Smith fired by the Chicago Bears on Black Monday, speculation abounds about who is in the running to take over the dream job (if you're from the Midwest, that is a dream!)

Unnamed sources, deep within the ownership of Virginia Halas McCaskey have said she and General Manager Phil Emery are looking at Edward T. Martin as the lead candidate to take over the head coaching position.
Martin is no stranger to the area.  Detroit native, former Chicago radio personaility, and Lyons, Colorado all-state lineman while bringing to Lyons High to the State Championship game in 1979.  Martin went on to become a Colorado Buffalo.  He played under Bill "Promise Keeper" McCartney and with QB Sal "I nailed/impregnated the coach's unmarried virgin daughter" Anuse.

Other sources say, that if Chicago does indeed hire Martin, Martin would probably bring in the first female offensive coach in history.  Hilary Kemp, Canadian, noted scientist, and according to an unnamed source, a recent visitor to Denver.  Martin, a stalwart defense first coach, could really open up a new dimension on offense with Kemp calling the plays.  Of course, this leads to offensive upgrades.  Jay Cutler can't cut the mustard anymore and with the turmoil in the Big Apple -  well you heard it hear first:  if Martin is picked as head coach, he will move mountains, divert rivers, drop the wind speed on Michigan Ave., and eradicate the murder rate in North Chicago only (let's be reasonable here), in order to bring in Tim Tebow!  Martin says "Notre Dame has Football Jesus for college football, the Bears need pro football Jesus, starting with his apostle Tebow."

Martin, through his law office and Agent Jeff Mullen said "No Comment".  But local union boss and Sheetmetal Queen of Chicago, Melinda Marks said "Bring Edward T. Martin in!  He can eat sausaage dogs and Chicago pizza and we deserve to feed it to this man!   He also has the Chicago accent of Elwood Blues."

reporting from Oakland, California
TIM MALLOY

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